the way sunday turned out.

initial plan for sunday was to have lunch with jeff and vic, then probably head to ECP with D300. then it rained and lunch was called off. back-up plan was to laze in bed all day and go for a long cycle around the neighbourhood. didn’t feel like doing that. feels pathetic lying in bed all day.

then after lunch, i started clearing out stuff and throwing away stuff. just all of sudden. and i just kept throwing and throwing. throughout the whole evening. i rearranged some stuff and threw away more. my notes are gone. my textbooks are gone. my boxes are gone. my armchair is gone. my old VHS tapes are gone too. yes, i found them!

old tapes with time remaining in tape.

old tapes with time remaining in tape.

my corkboard is cleared up. waiting for a new pink sheet of paper to go with it. or something cheery. and while clearing out the drawer next to my bed, i found my old tamagotchi.

it was a dinosaur! (funny! cause i am scared of dinos-.-)

it was a dinosaur! (funny! cause i am scared of dinos-.-)

and then while i was getting something from my wardrobe, i realised how dirty the bottom of the wardrobe is and i started cleaning and throwing out clothes as well. and i was forced to stop when the dad came home and the mum started nagging that i have yet to have dinner.

when i went to wash my hands, black water came out! EEPS! see lah! so many months of cleaning the surface area of my room that i neglected the insides. tsktsk. must remind myself to clean them at least once every two months or smth. but i guess, it’s probably going to be easier now cause i have spread black paper at the bottom of the drawers and wardrobe. not the wall cabinet though. hmm. that has to wait i guess. too many books in there!

anyways, now that the armchair is gone…i have made a little sit down corner in its place.

my little cozy corner.

my little cozy corner.

i think my issue with the armchair was its big. and i never sat in it cause a) i am a cleanliness freak so i don’t sit on it before i bathe and b) after i’ve bathed, i will just proceed to lie on my bed or on my comfy roller chair. so now that the thing is on the floor, i can probably spend sometime sitting and relaxing in my room at times when i am home and before i bathe.

besides, if things doesn’t work out, the cushions can be used for other purposes. and they dont take up much space.

AND! in an attempt to take control of my life, i started a journal –

my introduction note.

my introduction note.

the initial idea was to bring it around. but seeing how big the book (birthday gift from my sister 3 years ago), i think i will have to write on post-its and then stick them into the book.

i am going to write my thoughts in there. write my emotions in there. and hopefully, it will help me manage them and perhaps, i will stop being so emo-nemo (not that i can help it sometimes. stupid medicine!). it will be like my take-10-breaths before you act thing.

hopefully it works and the procrastinator in me won’t stop me from continuing this habit.

JIAYOU!

All in all, Sunday has been tiring. the sudden cleaning frenzy exhausted me out. wondering if i should bring my camera to work tomorrow to shoot the teachers’ day celebration. will see how.

for now, bathtime and then some work before bed.

controlling the emotions.

This might be too much information for some of you but *shrugs*

I’ve been put on contraceptive pills last month to regulate the period and help reduce the intensity of my cramps (which has been getting really bad).

I was pretty aware of the side effects and after the first month, things were okay. Except for slight nauseous-ness and slight weight gain, nothing was wrong. No mood swings, no giddiness and nothing.

Then came this month, been on the pills for 2 weeks now. And I guess I let my guard down. My emotions are in tatters. Which then leads to lousy appetite. And the nauseous-ness I experienced these days, are most probably because of the pills too.

Crying. Frustration. Anger. Crying. Moody. I couldn’t hide those emotions, couldn’t hold them back. I had to let it out.

I didn’t realised that the emotions are out-of-whack until I missed my pills today. I was feeling pretty normal. Not happy but normal enough.  I was like, “Okay, this is good *pause* SHIT! THE MEDICINE!” And yeah, difference = huge!

What with the weather turning rainy, my mood is going to be even worse. And guess what? I went to buy 3 more boxes yesterday! 😦

3 months. eeps!

3 months. eeps!

GG, Huishan. GG!

I guess, I have to get more sleep, surround myself with friends and just…I don’t know. Never an expert at controlling my emotions. With this, I think I am going to die. HELP!

must be a plant.

i must be a plant in my previous life. those kind that mosquito hates though. like really.

when i see the sun and feel the rays hit my skin, my mood lifts and my energy level bounces up. i light up and my tolerance level goes up. and no, i never complain that it is hot.

when i don’t see the sun (like in the office) or when it rains, my mood drops. I get emo. My energy drops, frustration built up really quickly for no reason and my tolerance level goes down.

when you put in nature (mosquitoes aside), i will jump and run around. freeeeeee~

so yes, i am a plant in my previous life and the habit has been brought forward.

you can pretty much guess what my mood is these days

the good old days(:

I was looking at my profile pictures when I stumbled upon this –

i have nice hair! :P

i have nice hair! 😛

And I went on a search for the album and found it – 2009 Bloggers Calendar Teaser & Outtakes. Clicking through it, I cannot help smiling to myself(: All the stupid jokes we shared that day during the shoot, all the silly things I did and I guess, how simple and uncomplicated things were back then. We were literally just a group of people. More gila than normal, louder than usual.

No politics, nothing. Okay, fine. There’s politics but I was oblivious to it! But yeah. The first Plurk gathering at ICB, the photoshoots *sigh*

I WANT TO BE OBLIVIOUS AGAIN! like really 😦

responsibilities. burnt out.

there comes a time, once every few years/months, where i will feel so tied down by responsibilities that i just want to let go and explode.

and this is the time.

i have a problem with controlling my mood swings. especially when it comes to anger/frustration.

but i have been trying. trying so hard to control it. and i thought i am doing pretty nicely until i was told again and again that no, i am not.

now, i am just tired. tired of holding back myself when i really want to snap at somebody. tired of holding up the tears because i think it’s weak. tired tired tired.

tired of feeling responsible for my own emotions. and putting the emotions of other people in front of my own.

i just want to rant. i just want to explode. i just want to throw a tantrum. i just want to let go. yell. cry. scream. curse. swear.

if you know me, when you know that IF i do explode, it’s going to be real simple to extinguish me. real simple that you won’t even think of it because you will just think it’s too simple.

and if you know me, you know that i’m not going to do that. because as much as i want to, i can’t do that. i can’t put myself before others. i don’t love myself, if you have to say it.

i guess, the most important reason is that…i am afraid that when i do stop trying to control my emotions, i am going to disappoint people. that somehow, i am not good enough anymore.