I couldn’t sleep. As usual. So I picked up my abandoned dairy and started reading it from the last entry.
The entries were few and far. The time lapse between each entry are usually a few weeks and even months apart.
Reading through it, I realised things were called off pretty constantly. For reasons, I don’t even know myself. But I found out that usually things will be chirpy in one entry and in the next one (several weeks later), things are over. Or on the brink of.
You described me as being unstable emotionally. But I think to some extent, you are the cause of it. Always picking at me for some things. As I read on, I discovered that the chirpy me disappeared. I can feel myself sinking as I read it. I was just too blind to realised it then.
There weren’t supposed to be expectations. But I guess we both failed. You expected me to be always happy. And in turn, I expected some rewards for that. With the constant on/off thing, I grew afraid and even sticky. I am always afraid that you are going to start finding trouble and reasons to off things. And you are always afraid that I will explode. Am I surprised that things turned out the way it did?
You want no drama. Neither do I. Dramas are tiring. But ask yourself, did you to some extent create that drama? Walking out of a fight. Very typical Taiwan drama, isn’t it? And have you thought about how the whole thing will affect me IF things are too drama? No, you didn’t. You have only always thought about yourself.
Reading back somemore, I find myself laughing at how light-hearted things was. The spontaneous meetup. The teasing. The laughter. How silly. Things were how it was supposed to be.
You can say, “..I miss those times. We used to have fun..” Have you ever thought about why? Instead of just putting all the blame on me and my “emotional unstability”.
Going even further back, the entries turned serious. The hint of my old self. I expressed my disgust with you. With you going after me. And I wrote. I wrote over and over again. Anger. Disgust. Hatred.
I finally put down the dairy. The thoughts raging war in the head.
How do I feel now? I picked up the pen, wanting to pen down my thoughts, then I dropped it again. I don’t want it to be another entry where I lament about how things are off. So I just chucked the dairy back into the drawer and closed it.
Where do we I go from here? I don’t know. But the disgust? It’s coming back. A little bit inching and poking at me from the side. Being with you damaged my self-esteem and ego, I want those back.
It’s going to be tough. Going to be a constant fight with myself. But heck, I am going to try. I don’t know if my friends are going to be with me through this but I will try. I will get myself back.
I don’t care how you are going to react when you read this post. IF you read this post. Because this is my blog. My territory. I used to write like this all the time before I met you. You didn’t seem to have a problem with that, do you? And seriously, no one can draw any links to anybody from this. It’s because of YOUR guilt that you think they can. So, if you don’t like it, there’s that little X button on the right.
You can think that I am exploding. Go ahead. I realised there’s NOTHING I can do to change your opinion of me. I can do a thousand and one things and you won’t see them. Just one trip or one emo thing, you will used to confirm your opinion. Confirmation bias. I don’t blame you really. It’s only human nature. But hey, time to admit it.
Be my guest. Do what you want, think what you want.