Lately, I’ve realised something. This feeling that I don’t want to carry on a certain behavior anymore but yet cannot do some.
I guess, my Facebook status last week kind of sum it up –
sometimes i wish that i am less anal/critical about stuff. then i can be the jolly old self again.
I think I never
recovered bounced back from when I took a huge fall that year.
I’ve moved on but I’m not back, if that makes sense.
That fear of what might happen if I lose control again. If I just let myself live a little bit more. This fear that drives the need to constantly keep the room clean, to constantly keep the house clean, to constantly be clean.
It’s a cleaning disorder. Something like an eating disorder. It helps to deal with my insecurities. Because so many things in life can’t be control. So, I turn to cleaning.
That fall which also turned me from a person high in I to a person high in C. I was shocked to learn about that. I used to be so proud of being the high I in my group of friends.
And for the first time in my life, the word “negative” was used to described me. “Sometimes, you can be very negative.” I’ve noticed that too. I will be negative, then start feeling guilty afterwards, which then makes me angry and then I become more negative. But I’m fighting. Fighting each day to push those negativity down.
The words used to describe me these days are words that are totally opposite of what my teachers and friends have used to described me. Total. Opposite.
I’m growing tired of this constant need to be in control. This control thing is getting tiring. There’s a ‘war’ going on. The bit that wants to live a little bit more, the old bit of me is fighting this control bit.
Somehow…Well, I just hope nothing goes wrong. again.