This is how I’ve felt for most part of my life.
People are always comparing me with some other person. When I was young, it’s the comparison of results. Yes, I outshone my sister but unfortunately, I was not compared to her but my peers. I was never good enough.
When I grew older and entered into my teenage years, things got slightly better. I was allowed to gain abit of confidence and to grow into myself. I had friends and teachers who supported me.
Then came JC and university. I think something along those period changed me alot. From a person high in both I and C to a person struggling with both. From an extrovert to an introvert. I am not good enough.
And now. People keep comparing me with others at my age. Asking me why I cannot be more like them. You know, go out, have fun and be more “happening”. Do they ever try to find out why I don’t do all these? That perhaps, there’s something more to the fact that I am a boring person? No. To them, I am just not good enough.
So really, all my life..I’ve been playing second fiddle to alot of things. I work hard and because I don’t actively promote and say how hard I’ve work. Or how hard I’ve partied. Or how many times I go out every week. They think I am not good enough.
And my parents. There’s always something about me that they wish I can change. My temper, my OCD behavior etc etc. It’s really a never-ending list. My efforts to please them. Not good enough.
And really. Ultimately, at the end of the day, I think…What’s bringing me down the most is…I’m not good enough. Even to myself.
No, I don’t hate myself. I just don’t think I am good enough.
This brooding feeling. This angst. Those walls are still high. And really, havent I suffered enough and learnt enough lessons? Must I still struggle along the way?
Kinda heavy stuff considering I haven’t blogged in awhile. Sigh. PUSH PUSH PUSH! Someday, I will start seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. Someday, maybe. I will be that girl again.