Not good enough.

This is how I’ve felt for most part of my life.

People are always comparing me with some other person. When I was young, it’s the comparison of results. Yes, I outshone my sister but unfortunately, I was not compared to her but my peers. I was never good enough.

When I grew older and entered into my teenage years, things got slightly better. I was allowed to gain abit of confidence and to grow into myself. I had friends and teachers who supported me.

Then came JC and university. I think something along those period changed me alot. From a person high in both I and C to a person struggling with both. From an extrovert to an introvert. I am not good enough.

And now. People keep comparing me with others at my age. Asking me why I cannot be more like them. You know, go out, have fun and be more “happening”. Do they ever try to find out why I don’t do all these? That perhaps, there’s something more to the fact that I am a boring person? No. To them,  I am just not good enough.

So really, all my life..I’ve been playing second fiddle to alot of things. I work hard and because I don’t actively promote and say how hard I’ve work. Or how hard I’ve partied. Or how many times I go out every week. They think I am not good enough.

And my parents. There’s always something about me that they wish I can change. My temper, my OCD behavior etc etc. It’s really a never-ending list. My efforts to please them. Not good enough.

And really. Ultimately, at the end of the day, I think…What’s bringing me down the most is…I’m not good enough. Even to myself.

No, I don’t hate myself. I just don’t think I am good enough.

This brooding feeling. This angst. Those walls are still high. And really, havent I suffered enough and learnt enough lessons? Must I still struggle along the way?

Kinda heavy stuff considering I haven’t blogged in awhile. Sigh. PUSH PUSH PUSH! Someday, I will start seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. Someday, maybe. I will be that girl again.

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Say no to shark fin soup!

I’m proud to say that I’ve never tasted shark fin soup before. Even as a little girl, I couldn’t stand the idea.

After watching Gordon Ramsay’s investigation into how sharks are hunted and finned for their fins, my tummy nearly turned. It’s downright cruel 😦 They cut away the fins (sharks are still alive by the way) then dumb them back into the sea. Bleeding and all!

Now, imagine you are the shark. Without your fins, you can’t move. Which means you will sink. And you can’t exactly die, cause you can breathe in the water. So, you either bleed to death, get preyed on OR sink to a point in the ocean where your body can’t stand the pressure anymore. Cruel cruel cruel. Imagine the fear the sharks must have felt.

ANYWAYS! According to Gordon Ramsay(who probably has one of the most excellent taste buds), shark fin soup is practically tasteless. The broth (made of chicken) was excellent though.

So seriously. Why then do people still drink them? And seriously, if you still need to dump in large amount of pepper and vinegar into the soup, it’s not exactly THAT nice is it?

I mean, ok. The kings used to drink them. But not everything a king eat/drink is delicious right? Think about it. Is it possible that the kings liked shark fin soup back then because sharks were difficult to hunt, rare and dangerous? By drinking shark fin soup is more like a show of their power and greatness? And not because it’s delicious?

Meh. Culture is hard to change, I guess. Sigh.

Anyway, here’s the video I was talking about. Take a look. I dare you.

the first thought.

I think I got carried away the past 2 weeks about the incoming bonus. My FIRST bonus.

I started dreaming about buying loads of stuff. My camera. My room renovation. My first branded bag. And a load of other materialistic stuff.

Then in the middle of last week, I woke up. I got real. And now, all that is going through my mind is to pick one or two of the items above. I am already apportioning the amount to save, the amount to give my parents and etc.

It is dangerous. It may not be a huge sum of money afterall. But it will definitely be the largest ever in my life. And I am afraid I will get carried away.

Must. stay. focus.

The thought that ran through my mind the entire day was, “To give the parents a better life. To give the parents a better life.”

So, shan. Stay focus!!!! FIGHTING!!!