beauty is only skin deep.

For all my raa-raa-ness, for all my oh-so-‘optimistic’ looks, I think I have quite an inferior self-image.

I don’t know if you know this but I really don’t see people differently in terms of their outer appearance. When someone ask me if they are fat, I really don’t know what to say because I can’t find anything wrong with the person. I think he/she looks just fine. And I am not being fake. I sincerely think they look great. How should I put it?  You know how girls always think they are fatter than they are?

Well, I see the opposite. So when you come to me and ask me if you are fat, I see you as skinny. Or rather, as perfectly fine. Sometimes, I wish I am able to ‘criticise’ more so maybe I will be able to fit in better in any female-dominated situation.

Beauty is only skin deep.

With that said, I am the opposite when it comes to myself. You know how chubby kids have inferior self-image and inferior complex because of their size? Well, I have the same problem. But instead of being tease about being fat, I get punished for being skinny.

I cannot fit in comfortably in any female-dominated environment because they think that I don’t understand them. I cannot talk about being fat. I cannot even complain that I am full. It’s been like that all my life.

Sometimes, I hate being skinny. Because it makes me feel ostracised.

FYI, I do get tummies too. I do have flabby thighs too. Ask scarecrow or my brother! Both of have them have laughed at me for them. Them laughing at me actually makes me feel better. Because I can be honest with them.

With that said, I don’t want to put on weight. I just want to stay the way I am.

Beauty is only skin deep.

I think my weakest point is my skin. my face.

All my life, the first thing people say when they meet me is, “You have excellent skin!” I live in a family of skinny people and my skin was the only way I stood out. OR at least that’s how I feel.

My skin is the part of my body that I am the most proud of.

In the past year, it has deteriorated so bad. I always have various sizes of pimples, mosquito like bites, flaky skin or scars. Put me under sunlight and you will see all these stuff.

Increasingly, I find myself avoiding the mirror. I don’t want to look at them.

When I am in the mood to be mean to myself, I will go stand in front of the mirror and scrutinise my face. I will see all these flaws and then feel awful. Like really. I took medicine, I drank loads of water, I stopped eating junk food, I started taking supplement. But nothing worked.

This point alone is enough to make me sad and cry.

Beauty is only skin deep.

Sometimes I wish I can return to my teenage self. When I get all these negative body image messages coming to me, I will just tell myself, “HECK CARE LAH! YOU ARE YOU! AND THAT’S AWESOME!”

But I am getting old and jaded. Yes, I have been getting jaded fast.

Some nights, I will climb out of bed and scrutinise my face to reassure(?) myself that I am still me.

I feel so foreign to myself these days.

Beauty is only skin deep.

Sometimes, I really wish I can see what I see in other people in myself. You know, just pick up on the good points and not the bad.

But…I am always hardest on myself. That’s nothing new.

So, I am going to say this. I FEEL FUCKING UGLY.


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