beauty is only skin deep.

For all my raa-raa-ness, for all my oh-so-‘optimistic’ looks, I think I have quite an inferior self-image.

I don’t know if you know this but I really don’t see people differently in terms of their outer appearance. When someone ask me if they are fat, I really don’t know what to say because I can’t find anything wrong with the person. I think he/she looks just fine. And I am not being fake. I sincerely think they look great. How should I put it?  You know how girls always think they are fatter than they are?

Well, I see the opposite. So when you come to me and ask me if you are fat, I see you as skinny. Or rather, as perfectly fine. Sometimes, I wish I am able to ‘criticise’ more so maybe I will be able to fit in better in any female-dominated situation.

Beauty is only skin deep.

With that said, I am the opposite when it comes to myself. You know how chubby kids have inferior self-image and inferior complex because of their size? Well, I have the same problem. But instead of being tease about being fat, I get punished for being skinny.

I cannot fit in comfortably in any female-dominated environment because they think that I don’t understand them. I cannot talk about being fat. I cannot even complain that I am full. It’s been like that all my life.

Sometimes, I hate being skinny. Because it makes me feel ostracised.

FYI, I do get tummies too. I do have flabby thighs too. Ask scarecrow or my brother! Both of have them have laughed at me for them. Them laughing at me actually makes me feel better. Because I can be honest with them.

With that said, I don’t want to put on weight. I just want to stay the way I am.

Beauty is only skin deep.

I think my weakest point is my skin. my face.

All my life, the first thing people say when they meet me is, “You have excellent skin!” I live in a family of skinny people and my skin was the only way I stood out. OR at least that’s how I feel.

My skin is the part of my body that I am the most proud of.

In the past year, it has deteriorated so bad. I always have various sizes of pimples, mosquito like bites, flaky skin or scars. Put me under sunlight and you will see all these stuff.

Increasingly, I find myself avoiding the mirror. I don’t want to look at them.

When I am in the mood to be mean to myself, I will go stand in front of the mirror and scrutinise my face. I will see all these flaws and then feel awful. Like really. I took medicine, I drank loads of water, I stopped eating junk food, I started taking supplement. But nothing worked.

This point alone is enough to make me sad and cry.

Beauty is only skin deep.

Sometimes I wish I can return to my teenage self. When I get all these negative body image messages coming to me, I will just tell myself, “HECK CARE LAH! YOU ARE YOU! AND THAT’S AWESOME!”

But I am getting old and jaded. Yes, I have been getting jaded fast.

Some nights, I will climb out of bed and scrutinise my face to reassure(?) myself that I am still me.

I feel so foreign to myself these days.

Beauty is only skin deep.

Sometimes, I really wish I can see what I see in other people in myself. You know, just pick up on the good points and not the bad.

But…I am always hardest on myself. That’s nothing new.

So, I am going to say this. I FEEL FUCKING UGLY.

the stalker and the stalkee.

I’m quite freaked out about  just now. Need to let off some ‘steam’ so that I can relax and blogging seems to be the perfect way.

Stepped into the clinic near my house today and there was this other guy waiting. I chose the seat furthest away from him and plonk myself down. When I looked up, he was standing in front of me and asked, “Not feeling well ah?”

Was a little slow and shock so I went, “Yah.” I ignored him and proceed to keep my coins. He went to the seat next to me and asked, “Not reading this newspaper?” I said no and not long after, it was his turn to see the doctor.

After he was done, he came out and approached me. I kept my eyes on my phone and when I heard the “beep” sound, I dashed in to see the doctor. Avoiding the weird guy.

I had a nice talk with the doctor because I think he was the one who saw me when I first joined my company and came home sick. It was about 5 minutes later when I came out. Guess what?

The guy was there. He was hovering at the brochures stand and reading some stuff. When I opened the door, his head shot up. As if he was waiting.

While I was waiting to collect my medicine, the guy went to the nurses and asked some stuff about his medicine. Even when his question was answered, he lingered around the waiting area. Taking great care to keep his medicine. Putting it in his bag, taking it out and putting it back in.

Didn’t think much about his behavior until after I got my medicine.

I thanked the nurses and on my way out, the guy quickly stuffed his medicine into his bag. From my peripheral vision, I saw him running towards the door. Sensing that something is not right, I walked super quickly.

Thinking that I may be paranoid, I pretended to stop outside another clinic with glass door. Guess what? The guy stopped too. I could see his reflection in the glass. And when I walked quickly, he did too. When I slowed down, he did too.

Panicking, I text my colleagues and then called my mum. Thank god, she was home! I whispered and told her to meet me.

Meanwhile, the guy was still behind. I think he knows that I realised he was following me. So when I pretended to stop behind a group of students outside McDonalds, he sped forward.

Thinking that it was the end, I continued to walk behind him. When I saw him waiting to cross the road, I relaxed. But WRONG! Even when the road was clear, he did not cross!

When I walked passed him and was walking towards the zebra crossing, he followed. At that point, I was freaked out and started running.

I don’t know when he stopped following me. But the last I saw him, he was about to cross the zebra crossing. I also met my mum not long after I crossed the zebra crossing.

I don’t know. This is like the 3rd or 4th time I have been stalked in the past 3-4years. Twice at night, twice in bright daylight. And then there’s the flasher.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just being paranoid. But….There was once I pretended to be waiting for a bus and the guy waited for me. When I realised he was waiting, I started walking again and he did too! Not paranoid right?

All those time, I have been quite lucky. I met my friend who was jogging, I managed to get into a lift before the stalker caught up, I ran into aunties my parents’ know. Seriously. Is it me?

Don’t know. Now that I have typed it out, at least the urge to cry is gone.

Fuck this. I am strong. Going to go and read my Fifty Shades.

confession of a bad-tempered girl.

I’m not well-known for having a good temper. To quote my oldest friend, “Sometimes, you don’t even hold. Just shoot.” It’s true.

But if I have to cut myself some slacks, I have to say I have improved quite a bit. 50% of the times, I will be able to identify my anger and then hold back my reaction. Or at least delay my reaction.

But sometimes, while I am holding my temper and the other person is not cutting me any slack, I paused to ask myself, “Why the fuck am I holding back? They are not!”

When this thought occurs, there’s several ways I find myself handling it. They can occur together or by itself or one after the other.

a) Silence

I keep quiet and continue to listen to the other person. I try to understand the situation by asking questions in my sweetest voice. I try to be understanding. And when I don’t, I will agree to disagree with the person and hopefully convince the person to do so before seeking a third opinion.

b) Silence and cry

After keeping quiet and the person still keeps on ranting, without giving me a moment to silent to think, I will stomp away and cry. Why? Because I feel stupid. I feel trapped. I feel awful because really, I just want to YELL at the person. But to be the better one, I have to shut up.

And I don’t understand why the other person cannot see that I am trying my best to reconcile whatever that we are arguing about.

c) Silence and rant to another person

d) Yell back at the other person

I seem to doing a lot of (a) and (b) recently. To be honest, I am getting a little tired from doing those. I hate crying. But other than crying, there is no other way for me to output the pent up frustration.

The hardest part

It’s the way I am brought up. Since young, I tend to model my behavior to be the opposite of my sister. I think some part of me did that so as to gain the parent’s approval. I am afterall, the middle child. This has become my personality, my behavior, my habit.

So, an integral part of helping me get over my bad temper is to have external positive feedback. But, that doesn’t happen very often. Instead, you only hear the negative ones. The most common one you hear is, “Why are you so bad-temper! Never change! EVERYTIME ALSO LIKE THAT!”

Whenever I hear that, I get even more frustrated. Because, ALL MY EFFORT FOR NOTHING!

Conclusion

What I am trying to say is that CUT US BAD TEMPER PEOPLE SOME SLACK YO!

HSBC Credit Card

I took a long bath, chewed on some ice and had a long talk with my sister (about a separate topic). And, I think I still want to share my experience here.

Now, I don’t really consider myself a difficult person. My purpose for calling any contact centres (banks, telco) is simple. I have a question and I need an answer. Straight and simple. I think Citibank & OCBC has been pretty good at that. Other than one bad experience each, they are pretty awesome.

I also understand that I should not judge a company’s service through a contact with one person because the person might be having a bad day or new or there was a communication breakdown. So, I am okay with the occasional “bad” service. No one is perfect. And I am pretty sure I gave some pretty “bad” service when I was working in IRAS contact centre donkey years ago bcos I was new.

So, the reason why I am writing here about my experience is because I have met with a series of rather unfortunate “bad” service.

Let’s talk about the good first.

The only exceptional service that made my day was when I called in during lunch time and enquired about credit card application. I mentioned very briefly that I will be going overseas the following week and the guy on the phone took note of it.

After assisting me with my questions, he said, “Thank you for calling, HSBC! Have a great trip, Ms Wu.” I was impressed.

Now for the not so awesome ones 😦 

1. Online Credit Card Application
I wanted to get a VISA card for my trip to Korea since most of my cards are MasterCard. So, I googled a little and stumbled upon HSBC. I liked the look of their card, there was an online promotion and the application was all online.

By online I mean…I can do everything electronic! Not key in my details online, print the form and bring it down to the branch. This was all done electronically. I just have to fill in my details, agree to let them obtain my CPF statement, sign and fax over a “agreement/confirmation” and VIOLA!

Sounds simple right? Wrong.

At 12 midnight that very day, I received an email telling me that I need to submit my CPF statements and/or salary statement and/or SOA to complete my application. Heh? I already did all that!

So I called the contact centre the next day to try and verify that my application went through. I was worried that I was scammed into revealing my CPF statement.

The contact centre couldn’t help. They just repeated what the email said. WHAT? I told the person on the line to help me check and get back to me.

2 hours later, I got a call from HSBC. The person repeated the same thing! Told me that I need to send in the supporting documents to complete my application. I was kind of angry and I told them I have already the submitted my documents online, gave them the period that they can access my CPF statement and told to check.

The person never got back to me. But a week later, I got my credit card. Just in time for me to bring to Korea.

They burst their timeline by the way. Think it was supposedly 5-7working days? But it took 14 working days.

2. The redemption letter and the statement

I used the card during my Korea trip. A month after I came back, I have yet to received my statement which is kind of weird.

So, I called up the contact centre again. I wanted to find out the statement date and if the statement was lost in the mail or something.

The lady told me that I should be receiving my statement the coming week as it was just sent out. Ok.

Since I was on the line, I asked when will I be receiving the redemption letter for my activation gift. She asked if I have used my card within a week from the date of issue and when I said I did…She said something like, “Our relevant department will check on your eligibility. Should you be eligible, a redemption letter will only be sent out on the 30th of June.”

HEH? I repeated what she told me to double confirm and she re-confirmed it.

The outcome? My statement arrived 2 weeks later (from the date of my call). It was a consolidated statement and NOT my credit card statement.

I received a redemption letter sometime in late May? Way before what she told me.

Right.

3. Where did I spend $90+?

After receiving my consolidated statement, I decided to utilise their automated phone banking services. It was pretty cool! If I don’t have a Phone Banking PIN, I can choose to verify my information like IC and contact number! I like!

So through the automated Phone Banking service, I managed to have a breakdown of how much I spent. However, I couldn’t quite remember where I spent $90+. I decided to speak to a “phone banker” as they call it.

We went through the usual process of verification. And I asked the phone banker to help me check the name of merchant. I gave him the date and the exact amount.

The phone banker told me repeatedly that he cannot tell me the merchant. But he can tell me that it was made on this date and this amount. BUT…I ALREADY KNOW THAT!

So I tried asking for the location where the purchase was made – locally or overseas. He said he didnt know but it was made in S-E-O-U-L! That’s OVERSEAS!!! I can’t remember if he spelled Seoul or Korea but either way…if the system doesn’t read SINGAPORE, it should technically be overseas?

I asked if he could tell me which shop in Korea/Seoul it was. He put me on hold cos he wanted to check.

After 5-10minutes, he was back on the line. He told me he tried to Google for the merchant and found out that it was an antique shop. I panicked. I didn’t go to any antique shop in Korea! So I asked if he could tell me the name of the merchant and he said he can’t and he can only tell me that it is spelled as A-R-I-R-A-N-G!

*face palm* That’s what I wanted to know in the first place. And didn’t he say that he can’t tell me the name of the merchant? So…erm?

My conclusion was…he didn’t know what he was doing. But I give him points for trying to Google it for me. Sweet but no thanks?

4. Redemption letter

I received my redemption letter much earlier than I was told. Which is a good thing for me! But silly me thought I misplaced it.

So I called in to ask for a regeneration of the redemption letter. The phone banker (Aysa) who answered my call told me that it will take 5-7 working days before I can know the outcome. Fair enough.

I think about 5 working days or so later, I started receiving calls from this HSBC number. As I was rather busy during that period, I keep missing the call. Plus, signal in the office was pretty bad so sometimes the call couldn’t get through. The only time I picked up, I was in a train. I asked the person (let’s call him “agent”) to call me back 15 minutes later.

He didn’t.

He called an hour or two later. When he called, I was away from my phone and couldn’t pick it up.

Feeling bad, I called the contact centre again. I left a message with the phone banker who answered my call and he said he will pass my message to the “agent”. The phone banker also told me that my request for a regeneration of redemption letter was rejected.

Right. I told him to pass the message to the “agent” as he can probably explain more about it.

That night, at some inappropriate timing, I received yet another email saying that HSBC was trying to call me several times over the past week and couldn’t get me. If I have any questions, I should call their contact centre. HUH?!!

No one called back after that email. Chucking it to bad luck, I decide to just NOT redeem the letter and consider the case as CLOSED.

5. The final blow

Then last night at 10.30pm, when I was about to go and wash up for bed, I received a called from Aysa. She said she was calling to check on my issue. Forgive me but it has been almost a month since I made that request so I was like, “What issue?”

She said, “I am just calling to check if you have received your new redemption letter?”

I replied, “You mean I am supposed to receive a new redemption letter? But your colleague told me that my request was rejected. Anyway, I have found my letter. Let me double check.” I left my letter in the office so I went, “Is it possible for you to send me another redemption letter? I think I might have left it in the office.”

Aysa said, “Yes. I can see that your previous request was rejected. What I can do is to set up another request for you. It will take about 3-5 working days.”

I didn’t want to wait cos I waited for a month before I know that my request was rejected. Didn’t want the same thing to repeat itself. Forgot what happened in-between but I remembered the following –

Problem One.

Tired and impatient (WHO CALLS A CUSTOMER AT 10.30pm!), I asked, “So why are you calling me at 10.30pm at night to ask me if I have received a new redemption letter when your CRM system clearly states that my request have been rejected? Are you telling me that there were instances where customers’ request was rejected but a new redemption letter was sent out? And the purpose of your call was to check if your system is working fine? ”

Aysa replied, “Yes.”

MIND BOGGLING! Even if you want to do that, fine. But can we do it at some human hours?

Problem Two

I went, “And don’t you have a rule about what is an appropriate timing to call your customers?”

Aysa: “Yes. Before 4.30pm.”

OMG! Then why is she calling me at 10.30pm?

Problem Three

Anyway, I asked for the matter to be escalated and that I would like to get a new redemption letter before Friday, 22 June.

Aysa went, “Of course. Everyone has their own time management. I will get the redemption letter to you before Friday, 22 June. ”

After some really confusing talk…Aysa went, “But Ms Wu, even if your request is approved, I have to go through a lot of process to get your letter.”

Irritated, I cut in, “So are you telling me that you can’t get the letter to me before Friday?”

Aysa: “Yes. You need…”

Me: “But you said you can previously.”

Aysa: “Nothing is confirmed, Ms Wu. I didn’t promise you anything.”

Me: “I’m sure this conversation is recorded. You can listen for yourself.”

Problem Four

We were going nowhere and we were on the phone for almost an hour.

Me: “Can I speak to someone of higher authority?”

Aysa: “Sure. I will get my higher authority to call you back tomorrow?”

Me: “You mean there’s no team leader working the night shift now?”

Aysa: “There is.”

Me: “So why can’t I speak to her?”

She relented and went to get her team leader. Unfortunately, the team leader was engaged with another escalation case (her words, not mine). So she asked me when will be a good time to call me tomorrow. I told her 10am in the morning and with an outcome for my request.

Problem Five

I don’t know what she was mumbling but she said something about calling me between 2-11pm tomorrow. And asked when I will be free during that period. I told her I have class at night and 2pm is after my lunch hours. Can’t she call earlier.

Aysa, “Because I am the cause of this whole issue. I will follow-through. But I will only be in from 2-11pm.” Now, while I admire her sense of responsibility, I thought it was pretty ridiculous. Can’t she get someone to follow up?

Aysa: “Okay. Do you want to speak to the “agent” who was calling you?”

Me: “On what? Why my previous request was rejected?”

Aysa: ” Yes.”

Me: “And why would I be interested in that? How would that solve our issue here?”

Aysa: “Okay. Then can I call you anytime between 2-11pm tomorrow?”

*face palm*

Me: “Fine. You can call me at 2pm tomorrow. I will make sure I will pick up your call.”

Aysa: “So I will call you around 2pm tomorrow?”

Me: ” Not around 2pm. AT 2PM. Thank you very much.”

After some argument about the timing, she went, “But Ms Wu, I don’t know what will happen to me tomorrow. I might not be able to call you at 2PM.”

HUH?!

Problem Six

I asked to speak her Customer Quality Management team. She didn’t know if it exist in HSBC.

Problem Seven

Here was my proposed solution:

1. She send me an SMS (she suggested it. nice!) at 4.30pm about the outcome.
2. If the outcome is favorable, great! Case is closed.
3. If the outcome is unfavourable (request rejected or letter cant reach me before Friday), she will get her Customer Quality Management team to call me at 10am on Wednesday.

Simple. Straightforward.

SHE COULDN’T GET IT.

I had to repeat it several times, make her repeat it and she still dont get it.

In the end, I simplified matter for her.

1. She send me an SMS at 4.30pm.
2. Get her Customer Quality Management team to call me at 10am.

Let’s see if it happens tomorrow..Or should I say in 7 hours time.

Anyways, I found my redemption letter. I did leave it in the office. I took a picture of its location. So if I do received a call at 10am, I will just relate my experience to the person and ask her to ensure that my redemption process will be seamless.

fingers crossed.

2 years on! (:

Yesterday marked my 2 year ‘anniversary’ with my current company. Time flies! I can still remember writing my post about my first day of work, being immediately plunged into video making, working till 11pm on my 3rd day, falling sick with high fever on my 5th day and how Alice made me “pao sheng” cos I insisted on staying.

I also remember my first impression of everyone. I didn’t quite like it there back then. I think I kept telling the boys that I want to quit then Thomas left and CS left and ZOOM! 2 years passed.

This past 2 years, I see my idea becoming a reality. I initially suggested doing the idea internally but through discussions, it somehow became an external event. And just recently, it was heartening to see the idea being complimented by a customer on STOMP. Yes, it’s a website that is bordering on being a tabloid but HEY! I am not going to be picky.

The colleagues feel like family members. And like normal families, we fight and stuff but the important thing is, we don’t bear grudges. That’s what is important! Sometimes I do get jaded and feel left out (I’m like that) but the bosses and colleagues who will be there to reassure me.  My CEO is really personable. Just that day, I had a chat with her about Galaxy S3! Now how many of you has ever done that with your CEO? 😛

My family doctor likes to ask me if I am staying at the company because of the bonuses. And everytime, without fail..I will tell him, “No. I like the culture there. People and relationships are very important to me. The company has exactly what I am looking for.”

If I can say this…For once, I feel the slightest bit being taken care of (:

Life 2.0. That’s what I called it 2 years back. 2nd job and 2nd chance at life.

While tidying up my jungle of a desk, I found my organiser from 2010. Inside, I found traces of the old sad self. I was trying so darn hard to be happy back then. Yes, that part of me will (and still) haunts me now and again. I will still get sad and my walls will start building up. I might have gotten over whatever that caused me to be THAT upset but being sad has sort of become a disposition.

I think being with my colleagues makes it easier for me to laugh and makes me realised stuff. Look at things differently.

I may complain alot about work sometimes. I may sound like I hate it.

But I think at the end of the day, I know I am lucky. I am not trying to “por” anyone here. This is really how I feel.

Anyway, CHEERS to 2 years! It may not seem like a lot to you but this is the longest stint for me. And I am proud of myself! Hopefully there’s many more to come (:

Just in case you are curious…No, I haven’t given up my childhood dream of being a teacher. 

 

 

Glee – Get It Right

Watching Glee builds up my library of songs. Songs to inspire, to motivate, to emote to.

And I think, I have found the song that describes my feeling. The feeling that I will never be good enough, of feeling jaded. But always trying.

The song from Season 2 Episode 16 where they went for Regionals.

Get It Right

What have I done? I wish I could run. 
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

* What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
‘Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn’t fair
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish
Yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care

Enjoy the music –

 

skinny doesnt mean i can’t say i am fat or on a diet.

It seems like the entire world thinks that just because people are skinny, they don’t feel fat. That they don’t have the right to scream that they are fat. Or say that they are worried about their weight. Or that they are worried about having cellulite. And the list goes on.

AND! Because they think those thoughts above, they exclude you in conversation, they shush you away when they talk about certain stuff, they shut you up when you scream that you are full and that you have a tummy.

It’s true. Take it from me. I have suffered and experienced numerous times in my life. Different phases of my life.

Well, listen up folks!

Skinny people do get tummy.

Everyone has a tummy after eating alot. It doesn’t matter if you are skinny or tall or fat or round or short or white or black or beige.

Yes. Our tummies may not be the same size as you but HEY! We are not comparing sizes here. We are just stating a fact. Our stomach is so packed with food that it is now protruding. It is unfair for you to ignore and shush us up.

Skinny people do get fat.

Fact: Skinny people do get fat.

Yes, we may have some awesome genes (thanks to our parents) but it doesn’t mean we don’t get fat. If we eat alot or binge, WE GET FAT.

Case in point. I put on 10kg after I started work because there was so much food around in the office. I was eating and eating and eating. My weight jumped from 45kg to 55kg in about a month! The tummy area was bulging and my arms were flabby. I was fat. People around me also noticed that.

Cellulite affects skinny people too. It affects young people too. 

Google it.

Yes.

Skinny people have the right to exclaim out loud when they put on weight.

Yes, I know. When skinny people put on weight, it is supposedly a good thing because we are now finally on our way to being normal. But, just like how weight gain is not pleasant for normal people, it is also not pleasant for us.

Whatever. 

I am falling asleep while I type this so going to conclude cos I cant think. Will add on as an when.